A year ago today, my world was pulled right from under me. I woke up to news that I never wanted to hear. To something that I didn’t think would happen. Well not that soon at least. My mother’s tears was the first sign that something was wrong. Next was the phone in her hand and all I could say was “NO!” I shook my head about a million times until she forced the phone to me, because she was crying so hard and couldn’t speak.
Looking at the contact name further explained that this day would be my wrost day. Putting the phone to my ear, trying to figure out how to talk and what to say, I finally said one word, “Grandma…” and my response, “He is gone. Daja, he’s gone baby.”
I froze. Time stood still, but someone somewhere not affected by this time stop came to stab me 5 million times. I felt the pain when time started again and at that moment I became blind and death. Oblivious to everything else that was happening around me. All I could feel was heartbreak, betrayal, death, my headache, I became stiff bodied, speechless, and angry. I was hurt in every way possible. I lost him! I lost a big part of me!
They continued to talk but I didn’t want to hear it. In my mind it was their fault. I gave the phone back to my mother, who was still crying on my bed and left. I just needed to leave. Being surrounded by people crying wouldn’t be good for me, or them. I was an emotional wreck.
I got in my car and drove. To where? At the time I had no clue. Finally parked where I was alone, I cried until the sun came up. I asked a million questions. I asked “why” a thousand times. I said “please” about a hundred. Thinking he could come back to me. That if anything was possible why couldn’t that be.
I was in a distant space, very dark and empty. My earth was gone. I was cold and alone. Yelling into a void. No sun, no gravity, no nothing. The only things I had was our memories, the lessons he taught me, and a few pictures. They took everything else! They let a part of me die! My eyes were so red and full of tears that I couldn’t see anything any more. Thinking about anything made it worst so I just curled up and let myself float away. I needed him.
My Grandfather was my everything. My earth. He was, and is, the reason behind my hustle, my grind. He’s, to this day, my motivation to succeed and I can’t let him down, he believed in me! I was his grandbaby, his pride and joy, and I will continue to be no matter what. It hurts like hell to not be able to see him or hear his voice or make him laugh again. He was the best thing that happened to our family! And I am so grateful for him.
John Walker Jr., you will forever be a part of me and I will love you forevermore!